Cobra

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A take on the infamous Cobra movie poster, for poasters
Cobra is one of the greatest Christmas films of our generation. Starring Sylvester Stallone as the swaggerous Marion Cobretti, aka, "the Cobra", Cobretti shows the world there's more to being a cop than so-called "rules", protocol, or the liberal agenda.

Plot

The movie opens to blood red writing, symbolizing the total period piece this film will become. Cobretti narrates statistics, of which we all know, 98% are made up. The note he ends on though is about how many rapes happen a day - foreshadowing the film quite well.

We next move to a room full of douchebag horrorcore rappers banging hatchets in the sky; the film flips between this and a red-lensed view of Cobretti on a motorcycle. Why a cycle? It's badass, thats why. He doesn't ride a motorcycle for the rest of the movie.

Opening scene

A drunken lunatic walks into a grocery store...no this isn't a joke, its how the movie starts. This jazzed up spic walks into the store in a trench coat, pulls out a shotty, and unloads on a lot of fruit. He fails to hit ANYTHING. Seriously, ANYTHING. He opens by firing at the watermelon, then a cart, then some boxes. He hits nothing, this guy is the worst shot in the world.

We then fade between the moron cops and the would-be killer

Cobretti enters the scene chewing a matchstick (how badass is this?) and is immediately told by the...


"Did he have to die??? Did you use uneccessary deadly force?" "People have rights!"

Quotes

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